There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
