I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
