I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
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