you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
