i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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