i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
