Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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