im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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