I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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