Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
