i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i dont even know how to be here
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
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