I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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