i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
