Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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