if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
