It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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