i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
