Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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