Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
