two words: eviction party
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
