I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
