i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
