i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
