there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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