she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
