Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
