Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
