I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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