U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
