i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
