Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
