how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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