My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Is this like a preordered booty call?
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