I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
