I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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