I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
