haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
