She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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