The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
