i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
