I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
