Your face is a jimmy john
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
