My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
