she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
