And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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