Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
