my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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