we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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