he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
