I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
