This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
