The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
